Soooooooooo TIRED

I am so tired until I am not able to sleep, that is the ultimate tiredness that when it comes to a point I cannot even catch a rest through a refreshing sleep.

I don't know what I taught my students today. I just simply went through the motion. Drive like an automaton, luckily all the idiots stayed off the road today so I did not have to be alert.

I don't know how long I will last until my body just gives up. Will I survive this short semester?????

Ramblings

I took three days of work, not for a holiday, but to mark the finals comfortably at home. Yup I took of work to work at home. How screwy is that? But as all great plan goes, mine has gone bust. The cause, my darling little sister went and got herself admitted again. So I end up driving back and forth visiting her instead of doing the work I happily brought home.

Well I knew it was kind of not a good time for me to take time off work because there are the papers of my colleague who quit to be marked, but I was already doing one of her paper which have 127 students (and the projects are still waiting to be marked at home actually) so I figure the rest can help with what is left, but I think only one of them is struggling with it, because I just read her blog and she is stressed up. Well I want to say sorry to her for not being there, but I was also stressed up with the one I have with me. The truth was I waited for her to assign me some paper but she didn't so I took the initiative with whatever that I had with me and dealt with that. Well I hope things turn out allright. Well this is what happen when people leave without looking back, other people like her and me have to clean up the mess. Well that's the way life goes I guess.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Haven't been able to go online, so couldn't write in. I have so many things I want to say but even now I am hurrying through some research for work. Had tom post something, so that it is at least updated.

Life and such

I had something to say a few days ago,something occured to me and I promissed my self I'd write on my blog, but guess what I have forgotten whatever it is I wanted to say and now I am simply writing Just so that this blogsite of mine is not neglected. I have written on my other blog a few time that I was able to go online, since now my workplace is still not connected ( have I said we moved to the stadium and no internet connection) I haven't got the chance to go online and post a blog often. Having two blogsite is difficult if you are not connected constantly, coz there are days when I have written one blog I don't have the mood to write anything else.

Well my life is not getting easier, my sis is getting worse and she jumped of the second story window on Sunday, to know more I have written on my other blog site - audriana76.tblog.com - well I hope things will look up.

Farewell

My friend left today. She's off to a better place, I am very glad for her, but as I look at her empty table and bookcase I felt really sad. We barely knew each other in my one semester of masters course with her, but as I came to work here she remembered me when I could barely recall, she guided me in my first few week, and in her I found another true friend. Well I guess I should wish her well, she was just another bright shining star that pass through my long night, and as it goes there were a lot of those but they always pass through to quickly and I am left behind remembering the good times. It is always hard to say goodbye, so I am not goingtto wish her that, I think I will just say Au Revoir.

Ce'st La Vie

There's one thing about my sister being sick or more specifically high that I don't like. I don't mind that she'll have this halucination that she is involve with this satr or another, but what I mind is that she has to pick a man for me too. She will tell me that this so and so is crazy about me. Well I t drives me crazy that my sis thinks that I am so uanable to get someone to love me that even when she is high in her own world she has to remember poor old me and provide me a man.

Well forgive my ranting , I had a horrible visit with my sis on Sunday, on top of a horrible weekend so I am not really right in the head right now. The only bright light in my weekend was my stop to pick up books for this week. I bought a whole lot and I think it'll last the whole of this week. Well I wish things will look up. Well as they Ce'st la vie!

Tears

Last night as I was watching the news, they brought us to Aceh and interviewed this mother who lost 3 out of 4 children. There she was recalling the final moments as her eldest child called out asking for forgiveness before her life was claimed. I couldn't stand it I cried like a baby, even recalling it now tears are falling down my face. I have been known to cry non-stop after watching a sad movie, whereas this wasn't a scripted tv show, this was real. Suffice to say my pillow weren't dry as I went to sleep last night.

I have no child, but I did raise my little brother and I can tell you if anything happen to him I would lose my whole world. So I could imagined how the poor mother is feeling, I think parents everywhere agree that by right they should not outlive their children. Well I don't think I can go on anymore, I am too emotional. Just hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Books and I

I have been reading a lot of books lately. There's this place selling second hand book at affordable prices. So whenever I feel the need I'd splurged on a book ( I say splurge because my usual place rent out second hand book, it is cheaper and I am able to resell it). Well there is also a colleague who's a voracious reader so sometime I borrow a book from her.

Well I borrowed "A Walk to Remember" and had myself a nice cry. It just made me longed for what I don't have at this moment; someone who love me. Well I don't know why I torture myself by reading all this romantic sappy things. It just reminds me that I am unloved. Well not that my family does not love me, they do! But once in awhile I want that someone who hold me not to be related to me.

Well I try to offset my romance reading material with a spy intrigue or a mystery now and then, but still I will gravitate to romance because it sort of feel a need that is not fulfilled any other way. Well someday....

A New Year Begins

Happy new year! Well this is day two of 2005 and my life is still the same. Every year my resolution is to have a better year than the last, and that I wish that everyone will be fine and I don't have to deal with their highs and lows, but this year starts with my sister roaming and waking everybody up. I am so sleepy now I don't know how I function.

Well my dad reminded me that others are suffering more than we are, he reminded me of the recent Tsunami tragedy victims, how they are far worse off than us. Yes I admit my problem is not that big and in the scale of things it is actually a small ripple in life's tapestry, but when youi have been sleepless for 3-4 days you kind of forget that and everything seems so insurmountable and impossible. Well I just hope that this year will get better and I hope that I will get what I have been dreaming and wishing for so long.

Sleepless night

My sis nearly drove me up the wall last night. My dad told me already that she was high ( she's bipolar affective disorder) , she was asleep but as I was getting ready to sleep she awaken. From that moment on she drove me mad by pacing back and forth and constantly turning up the lights and muttering under her breath. I scolded so many times but still she won't settle down. So the whole night I ended catnapping whenever she was calmly sleeping or goes for her endless bath. It wasn't agoo day to be sleepy for me, I had to invigilate in the morning. God this is the time that I wish I live alone.

Well I hope she get well soon coz I don't think I have the energy to make the long commute to work everyday with home life not being settle. I hope to go Mom's not next ( my mom has schizophrenia). Sometime I think God like to test my will to the max. I hope He does not find me wanting and I hope I will have the strength enough to get through this trial.

Peace

I was reading a story in Readers' Digest, it was about how this Polish Christian girl helped rescue Jews when the punishment was death if you do so In Nazi conquered Poland. I was awed by her courage and it occurs to me even though human are capable of great harm they are also capable of doing good especially amidst terrible danger.

This and other incidents that I have read about restore my faith in human kind especially after daily news of violence some are capable of. I wish that we all could learn to use the time we have been given by God to do good and bring joy to the people around us. History has many lesson to teach us but why is it the world has too many recalcitrant students.

Well tomorrow is Christmas and then the new year, my wish for next year is for all those recalcitrant students to stop and learn from history and stop repeating the same mistake. too many innocents have suffered from your ignorance.

Aching Feet

I bought new shoes because the U where I am working is having its first convocation. I tried on so many shoes, I despaired of ever finding the perfect one. At last I go back to my faithful Bata shop and found the perfect pair. I wore them yesterday, trying to break it in. I remembered the plaster but it kept getting stuck to the shoes so I took it off. By noon my feet hurt, not only blister starting to form, but since it has been three years since I wore heels , the balls of my feet have swollen, so I gave up and changed back to a sandal, but the damage has been done, my feet hurt like hell. When I got back I had my sis and mom massage it, I put it in warm salted water, and when I slept I put it up on a pillow (someone told me it help if your feet ache by letting the blood flow or something like that). But I guess it was too much because this morning when I woke up it still hurt when I walk. Well I guess this aching feet of mine have stopped me being creative toiday so that is why I am telling you about it instead of my latest poem or inspiration.

Be Still My Heart

Be still my heart,
There's nothing that I can do.
You yearn,
I know!
But what can I do.

Be still my heart,
Patience is a virtue.
You need,
I know!
But it won't come on cue.

Be still my heart,
Love will come when it comes,
You wane waiting for love,
Of course I know,
I'm the one feeling it, No?

Inspiration

I was listening to a song on my way to work, listening to the poignant lyric gave me an inspiration to write a story. I don't know whether it will be short story or a novel length, but I am very happy that my brain is working again. So now I have two kernel of ideas to work on. I have been churning poems after poems but as usual I churn it onthe spot, publish it somwhere online and forget about it. I should collect all my works one of these days.

This second story needs a lot of research as oppose to the first one which could come all from my imagination. Since I have it set somewhere in America, I have to find out about their policy on immigrants, foreign students working part time, that sorts of stuff. I also have to find out certain things about Malaysian law on unmarried mothers. Well this is going to be fun. I hope one of this idea will develop into a book.

Hello

I was just reading a blog by a colleague of mine. The site look interesting so I was tempted to create a blog here. It was not long ago that I was persuaded by my sister to blog. I was a reluctant blogger but now my first log site has been regularly updated. But since my sis insisted there she can freely read what I posted, I need another place where I could freely express myself.

Not long ago, I had a huge writer's bloc. I coudn't write anything especially poetry which used to be my salvation from this crazy life of mine. A few weeks ago I had an inkling of a story with a nice plot, characters popping up introducing tyhemselves in my head. The sad thing is at the same time I started a new job, so I haven't had time to write anything, though my laptop is faithfully with me everywhere I go, but so far nada.

Well like my other blog this one is where I will hash out my thoughts to sort my mind out so it will be clear for me to create my masterpiece. The advantage is my sis won'[t know 'bout this one so I could safely say what I need to say.