In Search of Sanity

I have no idea what to do with myself. I was ecstatic and so grateful when I received the scholarship and fellowship that allows me to do my Ph.D. But nearly four months have passed and I haven't done a single thing, not my readings, not anything, just going through the motion-going to classes, meeting my supervisor etc- I'm doomed.

As these sentences can attest my mind is in a scramble, not orderly and does not make sense. That's how I feel about life now generally. I have tried all the methods I knew to get me out of this funk, I have made several bookstores rich, I have obssessively read trivial stuff just to clear my head from all it's negative energy, it worked some, basically in helping me control my emotions, but it has not enabled my brain to actually start working seriously. So many things are also happening around me, personal family things, political upheaval that are making me both speechless and vocal (go figure), and the general negative energy that affect me adversely when my mind is in this condition.

I have also been checking out a few blogs, from my favourite authors to local political observers, and all other blogs in between, it shamed me that I have been a bit self-centered and talking about me all the time. People have issues to talk about or if they talk about their life, it is actually interesting, unlike mine. I have issues I want to discuss, so many issues I tell you, but whenever I actually got the chance to write it down I go blank. Typical!

I have also not written any poem for ages, that is how dead my brain is now. God! Help!

Well let see if I can help myself first before calling on BIGGER powers.

Clarity

Someone said silence is deafening.
It sorts of fit now.
In this eery silence of aloneness
I am deafened by

things undone
wishes unfulfilled
dreams unrealised.

When
will
I
hear
again?

yra
03/12/07
6.35 p.m.


Hmm something is wrong. I can't see it now. Maybe time will give me clarity....

Same Old. Same Old

People are always changing and they seem to be better for it. Why is it then I seem to be stuck in the same cycle forever? I thought I have gained some control of myself as I grew, gained confidence, self-respect andl all those stuff. But I am still that scared little girl that have no belief in myself in whatever important event in my life.

I am now fighting the same old demon that haunt me nearly half my life, I thought I got it beaten down years ago. But bang risk a little change in my life, and bang depression and uncertainty are back again. It is not enough that I am surrounded by crisis 24/7, I have to go and add on to that.

I have said it many times I am fortunate to be surrounded by people that love me, but sometimes they just can't help. Sometimes they even are part of the problem. I once wrote a poem about that, but understanding the problem is not enough anymore, I feel I am losing grip too fast too soon now. I am spiralling into madness and there's no one to stop me coz they're all depending on me.

So the same two problem that have haunt me all my life, my insecurities and responsibilities. God!


Well about that poem I wrote, here it is.

Obligations
-----------

i am drowning
in the waters
of responsibility.

i can't breathe,
all these demands
are choking me.

i am suffocating
from the dues
i pay for the
price of love.
Family loves me
but i am slowly
dying by the burden
of their love.

Save me!

Success!

I finally figured out how to log in back to this account, it helps of course that I am in um now and the wireless at the library does not block anything. Just checking in, will blog more later.

ciao.

So long, too long, since i blogged

It has been soooooooooooo long since I've blogged. Time seem to run away from me and before I know it 2007 is here and it seem ages since I opened this site. When I tried the other day it seem my office network has block acces to many sites and this is one of them. And I find that I actually missed tapping out things to just get it off my chest and let God knows who read them. There is so many thingss happenning to me. i got call for an interview last week for a grant to do my PhD and I am applying for a job from my alma matter (no news yet though) and a dear friend and colleague left for greener pasture. Well i hope I will too, I can't stand thinking of the long drive everyday. I have fallen asleep while driving tooo many times too count I think I have put my guardian angel on permanent overtime.

Well as always at the end of the semester I am now scrambling to mark the tooo many assignments I ahve given and to get it done bfore the deluge of final exam papers hit me and I go crazy. I hve already taken advantage of my newly cleared credit card to book for a short holiday, I am looking forward for the time alone. Well that's it for now I guess. Till I find time and space to write again