Tuesday, March 02, 2010
What am I doing?
I don't know anymore, i have tried so many times to fix this mess. I have tried over and over again to come up at least with something, but my brains kept freezing, telling me it is useless, i have no capability to do this, I am too stupid, I am useless, and I can never do this. No matter how many times those I love tell me that those voices are lies, that I am able to do this, but her voice telling me that I am worthless piece of being is louder than theirs. I just can't move past that. And I am stuck not knowing where to go, what to do, just waiting for the axe to fall on my head, which surely it would. Monday will come and I guess I'll know my fate. I got to be ready for it, and I got to say that I have nothing that I have wasted three years because I wasn't strong enough to fight. Lord help!
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Oh God It Hurts!
I wanted to write this to someone, but I don’t think I can. But since I have written it I might as well post it somewhere. GOD FORGIVE ME, get me through this, I need all the strength I can get! I can’t stop crying! Why does it always have to be like this? It hurts…
LETTER TO …
I don’t know whether I should write this. I have made myself a promise not to write you too often. But I don’t know why, whenever I need to talk, I no longer talk to myself, that is what I used to do, talk things out with myself, so to stop splintering myself into split personality, I started to write. It works like a charm, but the trick is I have to write it to someone, so that was why I started my first blog; I started writing for unknown strangers.
But now when my thoughts are all jumbled up I find myself writing only to you. I don’t know what made me feel so comfortable burdening you with all this crazy stuff in my head. I have never ever let anyone in my mind, not even my sister, may be my dad, but there are still things I won’t let him know. In KH analogy I have built up wall and tower to the maximum size and level to protect myself from everyone ever entering my mind or heart. My sister says it made her feel cut off emotionally from me sometimes, this aloof and impervious image I portray to the world. It is so much so that no one can see inside I am still that scared little 9 years old being left in charge of her sick mother.
Did you know I broke with my ex because he complains that at critical moments I become too childish and that I am too much a daddy’s girl? But no one seem to remember that I had to grow up before my time, and that sometime I need to be that little girl just for a while. Coz there is times that I just need to be taken care off instead of taking care of everyone!
You are the first person outside of my family that has witnessed my loss of control over my emotions. I have never ever even hinted this dark side that I hold inside. So for the thousandth time, please forgive my lack of control and for dragging you in my black mood. The amazing thing is that you are the only other person apart from my dad that has successfully snapped me back to reality. No one have ever been able to dragged me back from my hurricane of emotions (as I like to call it) if I am not ready for it, only my father can make me stop me either from wallowing, crying, or even the horrible temper-tantrum I am known for when things goes wrong in my head.
What does this mean? I am so confuse!
LETTER TO …
I don’t know whether I should write this. I have made myself a promise not to write you too often. But I don’t know why, whenever I need to talk, I no longer talk to myself, that is what I used to do, talk things out with myself, so to stop splintering myself into split personality, I started to write. It works like a charm, but the trick is I have to write it to someone, so that was why I started my first blog; I started writing for unknown strangers.
But now when my thoughts are all jumbled up I find myself writing only to you. I don’t know what made me feel so comfortable burdening you with all this crazy stuff in my head. I have never ever let anyone in my mind, not even my sister, may be my dad, but there are still things I won’t let him know. In KH analogy I have built up wall and tower to the maximum size and level to protect myself from everyone ever entering my mind or heart. My sister says it made her feel cut off emotionally from me sometimes, this aloof and impervious image I portray to the world. It is so much so that no one can see inside I am still that scared little 9 years old being left in charge of her sick mother.
Did you know I broke with my ex because he complains that at critical moments I become too childish and that I am too much a daddy’s girl? But no one seem to remember that I had to grow up before my time, and that sometime I need to be that little girl just for a while. Coz there is times that I just need to be taken care off instead of taking care of everyone!
You are the first person outside of my family that has witnessed my loss of control over my emotions. I have never ever even hinted this dark side that I hold inside. So for the thousandth time, please forgive my lack of control and for dragging you in my black mood. The amazing thing is that you are the only other person apart from my dad that has successfully snapped me back to reality. No one have ever been able to dragged me back from my hurricane of emotions (as I like to call it) if I am not ready for it, only my father can make me stop me either from wallowing, crying, or even the horrible temper-tantrum I am known for when things goes wrong in my head.
What does this mean? I am so confuse!
Sunday, June 07, 2009
UPDATE
Suffice to say I am a yoyo nowadays. There are days I am perfectly happy and there are days I wish I am dead. I have been making friends with a lot of nice people in an online FB game. Some of them have help me got through some of my darkest moment yet. It is funny, that God decides to send me help in this form, my guadian angels now encompass the roam. One friend has turn out to be a really good friend, I am sorry that at one point I nearly dragged him down with my bad mood. I am glad he survived my family-famous temper tantrums (friends you have not seen my worse, the family have, and you don't ever want to see it) and what is more amazing he managed to snapped me out of it, NO ONE, i repeat, NO ONE, apart from Daddy dearest has ever managed to do that. This tells me how important he has become, because I have never let anyone outside of family member, see me at my worse, not only I let him witnessed it, I dragged him along with my ride into madness filled tantrum. I am still embarass, but he seems to be cool about it.
God is this your answer to my prayers? But if it is, it is really ironic and unexpected. You couldn't have made it easier for me too, eh? You know so many things separates us, not only distance, but so many things. But I guess I should be grateful you deem to answer my plea. Alhamdulillah!
Well my life has always been an interesting roller-coaster ride. We'll se where it ends and how I guess. Til then - CIAO!
God is this your answer to my prayers? But if it is, it is really ironic and unexpected. You couldn't have made it easier for me too, eh? You know so many things separates us, not only distance, but so many things. But I guess I should be grateful you deem to answer my plea. Alhamdulillah!
Well my life has always been an interesting roller-coaster ride. We'll se where it ends and how I guess. Til then - CIAO!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Melancholy
I am feeling so melancholic these days, it's like living under a dark cloud all the the time. I don't know what else I can do to bring my spirit up, I have tried all the tricks I have learned through the years and nothing can bring me out of this funk. Life, plainly said, just suck big time right now.
Mom seems to be getting into her groove of high-high blues, I don't know how long will I have to wait to have my mummy back, I hate it when I have to be the mother to my mom, it feels so disrespectful and lonely, feels like an orphan when in fact I am not. Friends sometimes complain of how their moms nag and scold and basically being moms and all I can think how I wish my mom is like theirs, at least I get to feel normal emotions towards my mom. Don't get me wrong I love my mom and I understand she didn't asked to have schizophrenia but after 33 years it gets too much sometimes. I want my Mummy back, no... no... I need my Mummy back.
I feel so alone, my younger sister is there for me but she needs watching too, in a matter of seconds she could be slipping into her own private hell. All I can do sometimes is look helplessly and wonder how could I help.
And my little brother is battling teenage hormons and angst, enough said. I sometime wonder what happen to that sweet boy of mine. Maybe in my inexperienced of raising this little brother of mine, I have screwed him up real bad, hope to God that is not the case.
Daddy has always been there, the anchor to my storms, but he grows older by the day and I am so afraid of the day I will lose this anchor of mine. He has his own demons to battle and each time I asked for his help to battle my own demons, I feel like I am failing in my duty as his strong daugther. It is a lie, I have never been strong, just stubborn.
I have so many caring friends, that it is embarassing that I feel this lonely and sad, but I have never been able to share truly how I feel with them, because deep inside I am afraid that no one would understand and all I am feeling are things that is blown out of proportioned in my mind. My grasp of reality sometimes is too overshadowed by illusions.
Which brings to the poem I wrote at 3 a.m. this morning.
Illusions Be Gone
Why is it that
whenever
the night is
at its darkest
I always get fooled
by the illusion
of hope of love
from a fantasy
unfulfilled?
I can't be fooled again,
I don't think
I'd survived!
Reality please
grab hold of me now
before I get too lost
in these false pleasure
offered by this illusory
fantasy.
Pain is the only
friend I have left.
It's constant and loyal
and keeps me safe
from falling to deep.
Pleasure is too swift
and deceived me too
often to be trusted.
When will dawn comes?
rya
april 27,2009
Mom seems to be getting into her groove of high-high blues, I don't know how long will I have to wait to have my mummy back, I hate it when I have to be the mother to my mom, it feels so disrespectful and lonely, feels like an orphan when in fact I am not. Friends sometimes complain of how their moms nag and scold and basically being moms and all I can think how I wish my mom is like theirs, at least I get to feel normal emotions towards my mom. Don't get me wrong I love my mom and I understand she didn't asked to have schizophrenia but after 33 years it gets too much sometimes. I want my Mummy back, no... no... I need my Mummy back.
I feel so alone, my younger sister is there for me but she needs watching too, in a matter of seconds she could be slipping into her own private hell. All I can do sometimes is look helplessly and wonder how could I help.
And my little brother is battling teenage hormons and angst, enough said. I sometime wonder what happen to that sweet boy of mine. Maybe in my inexperienced of raising this little brother of mine, I have screwed him up real bad, hope to God that is not the case.
Daddy has always been there, the anchor to my storms, but he grows older by the day and I am so afraid of the day I will lose this anchor of mine. He has his own demons to battle and each time I asked for his help to battle my own demons, I feel like I am failing in my duty as his strong daugther. It is a lie, I have never been strong, just stubborn.
I have so many caring friends, that it is embarassing that I feel this lonely and sad, but I have never been able to share truly how I feel with them, because deep inside I am afraid that no one would understand and all I am feeling are things that is blown out of proportioned in my mind. My grasp of reality sometimes is too overshadowed by illusions.
Which brings to the poem I wrote at 3 a.m. this morning.
Illusions Be Gone
Why is it that
whenever
the night is
at its darkest
I always get fooled
by the illusion
of hope of love
from a fantasy
unfulfilled?
I can't be fooled again,
I don't think
I'd survived!
Reality please
grab hold of me now
before I get too lost
in these false pleasure
offered by this illusory
fantasy.
Pain is the only
friend I have left.
It's constant and loyal
and keeps me safe
from falling to deep.
Pleasure is too swift
and deceived me too
often to be trusted.
When will dawn comes?
rya
april 27,2009
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Welcome 2009
2009 is already here. 2008 wasn't such a good year for me. It has been tough, lots of drama and all. The coming of the new year means I have to face the demons I have been trying to run from last year. Tomorrow I will have to brave the lion's den with nothing in my hand. I was going to come prepared but as usual God had other thing in mind. My last blog, was an outpouring of emotion. Sometime I just had to get angry at others because it's a bummer to get angry with myself all the time.
That aside. Last night I had an interesting night. Even though I was still in pain and all doped up with pain medication I followed my dad to Suara PRIMA new year celebration. Suara PRIMA is an organisation of poets blogger and they have a gathering every month or so to read poetry on any given theme.
Last night for the new year reading, the theme was protesting against the teaching of science and mathematics in English. It was interesting because there I was an English lecturer and they were all passionately speaking against the Education Ministry current policy and you know what I totally agree.
It was a bad idea in the first place. When I was doing my sociolinguistic project, we had a survey done whether teaching of English could be improved. Basically we found out that most people have the opinion that there is a flaw in the teaching of English at school. One lecturer said there's not enough exposure especially in reading, that if the student could be encouraged to read more in English and exposure to English literature would be a help. Not once did anyone suggested that English should be use as the language of instruction of other subject. It was because everyone knew the root problem was with the teaching method of English and the students' attitude towards the language. That was the real problem, that is why even after 11 years of learning English as a second language most Malaysian students lack proficiency in English
When it was announced that Science and Maths were going to be taught in English, I pittied the students. It was hard enough learning those subjects in a language they understand but now having to learn it in a language that they did not only understand but for some a language they detest. I also pitied the teachers who have been teaching the subjects for a long time, now having to retrained themselves. A lot of jokes was passed on what would happen to these "experienced" teachers.
One gentleman last night made a point that we are not against English but we are protesting the murder (I can't find a better word to describe this) of the Malay language as an academic language. Furthermore, he adds, it is true that in school it is only 2 subjects but further down the road in higher learning institute these will branch to almost 80% of subjects taught. That effectively kill all the effort of those who fought for the right to use the national language as the language of instruction. As he said the policy murdered Malay as an academic language.
When I was in school I read a lot about other people in countries like France and Japan refusing to speak other language apart from their own because of therir love of their mother tongue. I respected that and wished that we have the same fervour. I mean we were lucky that we can actually lay claim to multilingualism, because on average Malaysian can speak at least 2 language and that is great. So why don't we leave it all alone. Japan has advance so fast using on Japanese as their language of instruction. Students from Malaysia are learning Japanese so that they could study in Japan. Why can't we make other people learn our national language instead of torturing our own people to learn 2 difficult subjects in English. My cousin who teaches Maths commented that the students couldn't even understand the concepts ion Malay let alone in English.
So I call upon Malaysian who cares, make your voices heard because this is our future we are talking about, we can't continue in this blind accepting state. The children of Malaysia needs someone to stand up for their right. This experimenting business should be stopped once and for all.
That aside. Last night I had an interesting night. Even though I was still in pain and all doped up with pain medication I followed my dad to Suara PRIMA new year celebration. Suara PRIMA is an organisation of poets blogger and they have a gathering every month or so to read poetry on any given theme.
Last night for the new year reading, the theme was protesting against the teaching of science and mathematics in English. It was interesting because there I was an English lecturer and they were all passionately speaking against the Education Ministry current policy and you know what I totally agree.
It was a bad idea in the first place. When I was doing my sociolinguistic project, we had a survey done whether teaching of English could be improved. Basically we found out that most people have the opinion that there is a flaw in the teaching of English at school. One lecturer said there's not enough exposure especially in reading, that if the student could be encouraged to read more in English and exposure to English literature would be a help. Not once did anyone suggested that English should be use as the language of instruction of other subject. It was because everyone knew the root problem was with the teaching method of English and the students' attitude towards the language. That was the real problem, that is why even after 11 years of learning English as a second language most Malaysian students lack proficiency in English
When it was announced that Science and Maths were going to be taught in English, I pittied the students. It was hard enough learning those subjects in a language they understand but now having to learn it in a language that they did not only understand but for some a language they detest. I also pitied the teachers who have been teaching the subjects for a long time, now having to retrained themselves. A lot of jokes was passed on what would happen to these "experienced" teachers.
One gentleman last night made a point that we are not against English but we are protesting the murder (I can't find a better word to describe this) of the Malay language as an academic language. Furthermore, he adds, it is true that in school it is only 2 subjects but further down the road in higher learning institute these will branch to almost 80% of subjects taught. That effectively kill all the effort of those who fought for the right to use the national language as the language of instruction. As he said the policy murdered Malay as an academic language.
When I was in school I read a lot about other people in countries like France and Japan refusing to speak other language apart from their own because of therir love of their mother tongue. I respected that and wished that we have the same fervour. I mean we were lucky that we can actually lay claim to multilingualism, because on average Malaysian can speak at least 2 language and that is great. So why don't we leave it all alone. Japan has advance so fast using on Japanese as their language of instruction. Students from Malaysia are learning Japanese so that they could study in Japan. Why can't we make other people learn our national language instead of torturing our own people to learn 2 difficult subjects in English. My cousin who teaches Maths commented that the students couldn't even understand the concepts ion Malay let alone in English.
So I call upon Malaysian who cares, make your voices heard because this is our future we are talking about, we can't continue in this blind accepting state. The children of Malaysia needs someone to stand up for their right. This experimenting business should be stopped once and for all.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
My lot in life
I just lost it today. After 4 days of barely sleeping and eating and trying to look after everybody, not to mention trying to block the excruciating pain on my lower back from my mind, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I love my family and I don’t mind looking after them, but sometimes I feel so unappreciated and today actually I feel so unloved. I feel as if, if I die today no one would care as long as their life goes on uninterrupted.
It is so unfair! I’ve given up everything to be the caretaker for the family but when it comes to me, no one seems to give a damn. They only know to blame me or demand better performance so that I could manage their life better.
Everyone else have the right to my attention because they are sick or too young or unable to do it themselves. But when it comes to me I have no right at all for anyone’s consideration coz it seems to me now that I don’t matter.
God, I have accepted my lot a long time ago, but I think this is too much to ask of me. Why can’t they care for me? Nobody loves me. I have no one that I can count on to care for me or to give a damn what happen to me.
I am so lonely.
Ya Allah…………………
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Life is ....
God this is beautiful. They say life is a wheel and mine decides it needs to repeat the same thinf again and again. I wish this wheel woul move on or sooner or later I might just give up and say to hell with it.
I can't believe that I am still screwing up. Wht with me and this problem in writing thesis paper. Can't I juts get over what ever's blocking me and write a silly thesis. God other people have done it! Why Can't I?
I wish. God that word. Wish. If it is only that simple. Wish and voila everything happens. But life is never simple eh?
I can't believe that I am still screwing up. Wht with me and this problem in writing thesis paper. Can't I juts get over what ever's blocking me and write a silly thesis. God other people have done it! Why Can't I?
I wish. God that word. Wish. If it is only that simple. Wish and voila everything happens. But life is never simple eh?
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