Oh God It Hurts!

I wanted to write this to someone, but I don’t think I can. But since I have written it I might as well post it somewhere. GOD FORGIVE ME, get me through this, I need all the strength I can get! I can’t stop crying! Why does it always have to be like this? It hurts…

LETTER TO …

I don’t know whether I should write this. I have made myself a promise not to write you too often. But I don’t know why, whenever I need to talk, I no longer talk to myself, that is what I used to do, talk things out with myself, so to stop splintering myself into split personality, I started to write. It works like a charm, but the trick is I have to write it to someone, so that was why I started my first blog; I started writing for unknown strangers.

But now when my thoughts are all jumbled up I find myself writing only to you. I don’t know what made me feel so comfortable burdening you with all this crazy stuff in my head. I have never ever let anyone in my mind, not even my sister, may be my dad, but there are still things I won’t let him know. In KH analogy I have built up wall and tower to the maximum size and level to protect myself from everyone ever entering my mind or heart. My sister says it made her feel cut off emotionally from me sometimes, this aloof and impervious image I portray to the world. It is so much so that no one can see inside I am still that scared little 9 years old being left in charge of her sick mother.

Did you know I broke with my ex because he complains that at critical moments I become too childish and that I am too much a daddy’s girl? But no one seem to remember that I had to grow up before my time, and that sometime I need to be that little girl just for a while. Coz there is times that I just need to be taken care off instead of taking care of everyone!

You are the first person outside of my family that has witnessed my loss of control over my emotions. I have never ever even hinted this dark side that I hold inside. So for the thousandth time, please forgive my lack of control and for dragging you in my black mood. The amazing thing is that you are the only other person apart from my dad that has successfully snapped me back to reality. No one have ever been able to dragged me back from my hurricane of emotions (as I like to call it) if I am not ready for it, only my father can make me stop me either from wallowing, crying, or even the horrible temper-tantrum I am known for when things goes wrong in my head.

What does this mean? I am so confuse!

UPDATE

Suffice to say I am a yoyo nowadays. There are days I am perfectly happy and there are days I wish I am dead. I have been making friends with a lot of nice people in an online FB game. Some of them have help me got through some of my darkest moment yet. It is funny, that God decides to send me help in this form, my guadian angels now encompass the roam. One friend has turn out to be a really good friend, I am sorry that at one point I nearly dragged him down with my bad mood. I am glad he survived my family-famous temper tantrums (friends you have not seen my worse, the family have, and you don't ever want to see it) and what is more amazing he managed to snapped me out of it, NO ONE, i repeat, NO ONE, apart from Daddy dearest has ever managed to do that. This tells me how important he has become, because I have never let anyone outside of family member, see me at my worse, not only I let him witnessed it, I dragged him along with my ride into madness filled tantrum. I am still embarass, but he seems to be cool about it.

God is this your answer to my prayers? But if it is, it is really ironic and unexpected. You couldn't have made it easier for me too, eh? You know so many things separates us, not only distance, but so many things. But I guess I should be grateful you deem to answer my plea. Alhamdulillah!

Well my life has always been an interesting roller-coaster ride. We'll se where it ends and how I guess. Til then - CIAO!

Melancholy

I am feeling so melancholic these days, it's like living under a dark cloud all the the time. I don't know what else I can do to bring my spirit up, I have tried all the tricks I have learned through the years and nothing can bring me out of this funk. Life, plainly said, just suck big time right now.

Mom seems to be getting into her groove of high-high blues, I don't know how long will I have to wait to have my mummy back, I hate it when I have to be the mother to my mom, it feels so disrespectful and lonely, feels like an orphan when in fact I am not. Friends sometimes complain of how their moms nag and scold and basically being moms and all I can think how I wish my mom is like theirs, at least I get to feel normal emotions towards my mom. Don't get me wrong I love my mom and I understand she didn't asked to have schizophrenia but after 33 years it gets too much sometimes. I want my Mummy back, no... no... I need my Mummy back.

I feel so alone, my younger sister is there for me but she needs watching too, in a matter of seconds she could be slipping into her own private hell. All I can do sometimes is look helplessly and wonder how could I help.

And my little brother is battling teenage hormons and angst, enough said. I sometime wonder what happen to that sweet boy of mine. Maybe in my inexperienced of raising this little brother of mine, I have screwed him up real bad, hope to God that is not the case.

Daddy has always been there, the anchor to my storms, but he grows older by the day and I am so afraid of the day I will lose this anchor of mine. He has his own demons to battle and each time I asked for his help to battle my own demons, I feel like I am failing in my duty as his strong daugther. It is a lie, I have never been strong, just stubborn.

I have so many caring friends, that it is embarassing that I feel this lonely and sad, but I have never been able to share truly how I feel with them, because deep inside I am afraid that no one would understand and all I am feeling are things that is blown out of proportioned in my mind. My grasp of reality sometimes is too overshadowed by illusions.

Which brings to the poem I wrote at 3 a.m. this morning.

Illusions Be Gone

Why is it that
whenever
the night is
at its darkest
I always get fooled
by the illusion
of hope of love
from a fantasy
unfulfilled?

I can't be fooled again,
I don't think
I'd survived!

Reality please
grab hold of me now
before I get too lost
in these false pleasure
offered by this illusory
fantasy.

Pain is the only
friend I have left.
It's constant and loyal
and keeps me safe
from falling to deep.
Pleasure is too swift
and deceived me too
often to be trusted.

When will dawn comes?

rya
april 27,2009

Welcome 2009

2009 is already here. 2008 wasn't such a good year for me. It has been tough, lots of drama and all. The coming of the new year means I have to face the demons I have been trying to run from last year. Tomorrow I will have to brave the lion's den with nothing in my hand. I was going to come prepared but as usual God had other thing in mind. My last blog, was an outpouring of emotion. Sometime I just had to get angry at others because it's a bummer to get angry with myself all the time.

That aside. Last night I had an interesting night. Even though I was still in pain and all doped up with pain medication I followed my dad to Suara PRIMA new year celebration. Suara PRIMA is an organisation of poets blogger and they have a gathering every month or so to read poetry on any given theme.

Last night for the new year reading, the theme was protesting against the teaching of science and mathematics in English. It was interesting because there I was an English lecturer and they were all passionately speaking against the Education Ministry current policy and you know what I totally agree.

It was a bad idea in the first place. When I was doing my sociolinguistic project, we had a survey done whether teaching of English could be improved. Basically we found out that most people have the opinion that there is a flaw in the teaching of English at school. One lecturer said there's not enough exposure especially in reading, that if the student could be encouraged to read more in English and exposure to English literature would be a help. Not once did anyone suggested that English should be use as the language of instruction of other subject. It was because everyone knew the root problem was with the teaching method of English and the students' attitude towards the language. That was the real problem, that is why even after 11 years of learning English as a second language most Malaysian students lack proficiency in English

When it was announced that Science and Maths were going to be taught in English, I pittied the students. It was hard enough learning those subjects in a language they understand but now having to learn it in a language that they did not only understand but for some a language they detest. I also pitied the teachers who have been teaching the subjects for a long time, now having to retrained themselves. A lot of jokes was passed on what would happen to these "experienced" teachers.
One gentleman last night made a point that we are not against English but we are protesting the murder (I can't find a better word to describe this) of the Malay language as an academic language. Furthermore, he adds, it is true that in school it is only 2 subjects but further down the road in higher learning institute these will branch to almost 80% of subjects taught. That effectively kill all the effort of those who fought for the right to use the national language as the language of instruction. As he said the policy murdered Malay as an academic language.

When I was in school I read a lot about other people in countries like France and Japan refusing to speak other language apart from their own because of therir love of their mother tongue. I respected that and wished that we have the same fervour. I mean we were lucky that we can actually lay claim to multilingualism, because on average Malaysian can speak at least 2 language and that is great. So why don't we leave it all alone. Japan has advance so fast using on Japanese as their language of instruction. Students from Malaysia are learning Japanese so that they could study in Japan. Why can't we make other people learn our national language instead of torturing our own people to learn 2 difficult subjects in English. My cousin who teaches Maths commented that the students couldn't even understand the concepts ion Malay let alone in English.

So I call upon Malaysian who cares, make your voices heard because this is our future we are talking about, we can't continue in this blind accepting state. The children of Malaysia needs someone to stand up for their right. This experimenting business should be stopped once and for all.

My lot in life

I just lost it today. After 4 days of barely sleeping and eating and trying to look after everybody, not to mention trying to block the excruciating pain on my lower back from my mind, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I love my family and I don’t mind looking after them, but sometimes I feel so unappreciated and today actually I feel so unloved. I feel as if, if I die today no one would care as long as their life goes on uninterrupted.

It is so unfair! I’ve given up everything to be the caretaker for the family but when it comes to me, no one seems to give a damn. They only know to blame me or demand better performance so that I could manage their life better.

Everyone else have the right to my attention because they are sick or too young or unable to do it themselves. But when it comes to me I have no right at all for anyone’s consideration coz it seems to me now that I don’t matter.

God, I have accepted my lot a long time ago, but I think this is too much to ask of me. Why can’t they care for me? Nobody loves me. I have no one that I can count on to care for me or to give a damn what happen to me.

I am so lonely.

Ya Allah…………………

Life is ....

God this is beautiful. They say life is a wheel and mine decides it needs to repeat the same thinf again and again. I wish this wheel woul move on or sooner or later I might just give up and say to hell with it.

I can't believe that I am still screwing up. Wht with me and this problem in writing thesis paper. Can't I juts get over what ever's blocking me and write a silly thesis. God other people have done it! Why Can't I?

I wish. God that word. Wish. If it is only that simple. Wish and voila everything happens. But life is never simple eh?

WHY?????????????

I have been to hell and back and still no difference.

I STILL HAVE NOTHING.

I have been lambasted, humiliated and scolded by my supervisor and it just drove me deeper into oblivion.

GOD HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In Search of Sanity

I have no idea what to do with myself. I was ecstatic and so grateful when I received the scholarship and fellowship that allows me to do my Ph.D. But nearly four months have passed and I haven't done a single thing, not my readings, not anything, just going through the motion-going to classes, meeting my supervisor etc- I'm doomed.

As these sentences can attest my mind is in a scramble, not orderly and does not make sense. That's how I feel about life now generally. I have tried all the methods I knew to get me out of this funk, I have made several bookstores rich, I have obssessively read trivial stuff just to clear my head from all it's negative energy, it worked some, basically in helping me control my emotions, but it has not enabled my brain to actually start working seriously. So many things are also happening around me, personal family things, political upheaval that are making me both speechless and vocal (go figure), and the general negative energy that affect me adversely when my mind is in this condition.

I have also been checking out a few blogs, from my favourite authors to local political observers, and all other blogs in between, it shamed me that I have been a bit self-centered and talking about me all the time. People have issues to talk about or if they talk about their life, it is actually interesting, unlike mine. I have issues I want to discuss, so many issues I tell you, but whenever I actually got the chance to write it down I go blank. Typical!

I have also not written any poem for ages, that is how dead my brain is now. God! Help!

Well let see if I can help myself first before calling on BIGGER powers.

Clarity

Someone said silence is deafening.
It sorts of fit now.
In this eery silence of aloneness
I am deafened by

things undone
wishes unfulfilled
dreams unrealised.

When
will
I
hear
again?

yra
03/12/07
6.35 p.m.


Hmm something is wrong. I can't see it now. Maybe time will give me clarity....

Same Old. Same Old

People are always changing and they seem to be better for it. Why is it then I seem to be stuck in the same cycle forever? I thought I have gained some control of myself as I grew, gained confidence, self-respect andl all those stuff. But I am still that scared little girl that have no belief in myself in whatever important event in my life.

I am now fighting the same old demon that haunt me nearly half my life, I thought I got it beaten down years ago. But bang risk a little change in my life, and bang depression and uncertainty are back again. It is not enough that I am surrounded by crisis 24/7, I have to go and add on to that.

I have said it many times I am fortunate to be surrounded by people that love me, but sometimes they just can't help. Sometimes they even are part of the problem. I once wrote a poem about that, but understanding the problem is not enough anymore, I feel I am losing grip too fast too soon now. I am spiralling into madness and there's no one to stop me coz they're all depending on me.

So the same two problem that have haunt me all my life, my insecurities and responsibilities. God!


Well about that poem I wrote, here it is.

Obligations
-----------

i am drowning
in the waters
of responsibility.

i can't breathe,
all these demands
are choking me.

i am suffocating
from the dues
i pay for the
price of love.
Family loves me
but i am slowly
dying by the burden
of their love.

Save me!

Success!

I finally figured out how to log in back to this account, it helps of course that I am in um now and the wireless at the library does not block anything. Just checking in, will blog more later.

ciao.

So long, too long, since i blogged

It has been soooooooooooo long since I've blogged. Time seem to run away from me and before I know it 2007 is here and it seem ages since I opened this site. When I tried the other day it seem my office network has block acces to many sites and this is one of them. And I find that I actually missed tapping out things to just get it off my chest and let God knows who read them. There is so many thingss happenning to me. i got call for an interview last week for a grant to do my PhD and I am applying for a job from my alma matter (no news yet though) and a dear friend and colleague left for greener pasture. Well i hope I will too, I can't stand thinking of the long drive everyday. I have fallen asleep while driving tooo many times too count I think I have put my guardian angel on permanent overtime.

Well as always at the end of the semester I am now scrambling to mark the tooo many assignments I ahve given and to get it done bfore the deluge of final exam papers hit me and I go crazy. I hve already taken advantage of my newly cleared credit card to book for a short holiday, I am looking forward for the time alone. Well that's it for now I guess. Till I find time and space to write again

Birthday part 2

Surprise, surprise. That's what my students and colleagues did toward the end of the working day of my birthday. They came into my class and celebrated my birthday and this makes me realise however I refuse to be happy on my birthday, people around me will insist on reminding me that I am loved and I should just enjoy my life pitfalls and all. I guess that's what made my life worthwhile isn't it, the people I surround myself with. Alhamdulillah.

Birthday part 1

Yes, today is my 30th birthday. I don't know what to say, feel or act. Life is still going at the same old rate, no changes and I don't think I have achieved whatever I set out to achieve years ago. Well it has been like this since my eigteenth birthday, I don't see the point of continuing on and each birthday feels like another prolongement of my incarceration on this earth. I have been trying to boost myself up ever since, telling myself living is not bad and there are others who have worse luck than mine and they are happy that they are alive. But however, I try to be happy I will always end up depress on my birthday. My brother with all his eleven years worth of celebration cannot understand this lethargy of mine, and to tell the truth even I don't understand it myself.

My mantra right now is Hoobastank's "If I were You" trying to remind me to be grateful for whatever I have, it helped me through the darkest part of my mood but I don't think it's going to work for long.I have cried, prayed, and talked to God but I have no one that I could really hash things out 'cause even when I talk to myself it sound so pathetic and ungrateful.

Well I better stop now before I bore myself silly 'bout this.

Same Old Same Old

Another friend got married over the weekend, and another delivered her first child. Milestones in their life I guess, but it seems it will never apply to me.

Mom's birthday tomorrow, bought her presents already. Tomorrow gonna get a her a cake and maybe a bouqet of flowers. She loves roses. That's what I am gonna get her, three different colors of roses representing abang, adik and I.

"If only I could turn back time" ... you know I sometime wish that. There is so many thing I would do over. Well if wishes were horses....

Life

Yesterday I went out with a few friends, and while we were driving to lunch the driver decided to play chicken with the traffic light, I screamed of course, but my other friend laughingly said that she was ready for it and she knew that he was going to brake. Well in jest or fun yes it is ok for this too, just a little excitement, but I know that you can trust yourself to brake but the brake itself cannot be trusted, it could have failed, it happened to me once and it was damn scary, and anyway I have never found it funny to make a game of our lives. Well that's me I guess, life is precious to me and I have never taken it for granted, even when I was at my lowest low killing myself was never an option!

Hi, bye, bye

I haven't blogged here for quite a while. Wasn't anything just to busy to update two blogs. I updated the other one but then never quite manage to get to this one. Well just dropped in to say that it'll be quite a while b4 I blog again coz all the computers at my office have been blocked form internet usage. I don't know why but that means untilo the office is back online I won't be blogging.

Sleepy post

Nothing much to say. Today my students starts their mid-sem exam. So this week instead of teaching I will be busy invigilating. I hate invigilating, if when I was studying exams were horrible well now I think conducting and invigilating exams are worse.

Well a bit sleepy today so brain is a bit slow, cannot think of anything to write. So I guess that's it for today. Til I wake up properly.

Dramatic Raya

Well, yesterday was Aidiladha and we only had enough money for the kuah kacang (peanut gravy) and nasi impit (compacted rice) and the ingredients for rendang but not for the meat or chicken. Abang went out to play and then came home requesting to follow his friend to the surau where there had the Qurban. He came back and very loudly anounced that he is bringing back meat free of charge. He was so happy about it. So with the meat that my lil' bro provided we cooked our rendang and our raya is complete. Alhamdulillah!

I came to work this morning open up my mail, what do you know there was a mail from a uni' friend whom I haven't heard from for such a long time. She told me the news that she now have a boy, nearly a year old, and I am so glad for her. She was among the first of my friends to get married, and she was at one point worried that she is not getting pregnant. When she was going on to UK to pursue her PhD we joke like her parents who had their first and second child in UK, she would follow suit, and she did. Uk has been good to her family.

I guess that's about it for now. Til I have interesting things to write.

Loneliness

I don't know what is going on with me. I can't stop feeling this need to be held. I am so lonely nowadays that I cannot bear face people coz then they'll see this need in my eyes. I know I am where I should be in my life. It doesn't matter that most my friends are married with kids already, I have succesfully raise my 10 year old brother, I have an inkling how it feels to be responsible for someone. But the thing is all this while I have been looking after people, starting from my mom and everyone else around me. Even with my ex I was the nurturer, even though he was 10 years older than me. I just need someone to hold me, care for me, love me! Is that too much to ask? Well I gues my time has not come, but I wonder when does the universe see fit to send me my soul mate?

Nice Weekend

Had a marvelous weekend! Went to the seaside with two of my friends from work. Brought Abang along, he had a marveloust time frolicking in the sea. Since he's only ten I had to be there with him. This time of the year the water was quite deep and the wave high and strong. So I spent two hours for each of the two days with him in the water.

Shima and Kak Limah gave a surprise belated birthday. We had delicious cake, funny candles for me to blow on, and marvelously interesting presents. Well who said I had a bad birthday this year. Actually I think belated birthday is the best, coz you don't expect it.

Class have started. Met with the students. Laid down my rules and as usual they gasp at my essay fine for being late to class, students hate essays.

Well that's all for now.