Melancholy

I am feeling so melancholic these days, it's like living under a dark cloud all the the time. I don't know what else I can do to bring my spirit up, I have tried all the tricks I have learned through the years and nothing can bring me out of this funk. Life, plainly said, just suck big time right now.

Mom seems to be getting into her groove of high-high blues, I don't know how long will I have to wait to have my mummy back, I hate it when I have to be the mother to my mom, it feels so disrespectful and lonely, feels like an orphan when in fact I am not. Friends sometimes complain of how their moms nag and scold and basically being moms and all I can think how I wish my mom is like theirs, at least I get to feel normal emotions towards my mom. Don't get me wrong I love my mom and I understand she didn't asked to have schizophrenia but after 33 years it gets too much sometimes. I want my Mummy back, no... no... I need my Mummy back.

I feel so alone, my younger sister is there for me but she needs watching too, in a matter of seconds she could be slipping into her own private hell. All I can do sometimes is look helplessly and wonder how could I help.

And my little brother is battling teenage hormons and angst, enough said. I sometime wonder what happen to that sweet boy of mine. Maybe in my inexperienced of raising this little brother of mine, I have screwed him up real bad, hope to God that is not the case.

Daddy has always been there, the anchor to my storms, but he grows older by the day and I am so afraid of the day I will lose this anchor of mine. He has his own demons to battle and each time I asked for his help to battle my own demons, I feel like I am failing in my duty as his strong daugther. It is a lie, I have never been strong, just stubborn.

I have so many caring friends, that it is embarassing that I feel this lonely and sad, but I have never been able to share truly how I feel with them, because deep inside I am afraid that no one would understand and all I am feeling are things that is blown out of proportioned in my mind. My grasp of reality sometimes is too overshadowed by illusions.

Which brings to the poem I wrote at 3 a.m. this morning.

Illusions Be Gone

Why is it that
whenever
the night is
at its darkest
I always get fooled
by the illusion
of hope of love
from a fantasy
unfulfilled?

I can't be fooled again,
I don't think
I'd survived!

Reality please
grab hold of me now
before I get too lost
in these false pleasure
offered by this illusory
fantasy.

Pain is the only
friend I have left.
It's constant and loyal
and keeps me safe
from falling to deep.
Pleasure is too swift
and deceived me too
often to be trusted.

When will dawn comes?

rya
april 27,2009