Loneliness

I don't know what is going on with me. I can't stop feeling this need to be held. I am so lonely nowadays that I cannot bear face people coz then they'll see this need in my eyes. I know I am where I should be in my life. It doesn't matter that most my friends are married with kids already, I have succesfully raise my 10 year old brother, I have an inkling how it feels to be responsible for someone. But the thing is all this while I have been looking after people, starting from my mom and everyone else around me. Even with my ex I was the nurturer, even though he was 10 years older than me. I just need someone to hold me, care for me, love me! Is that too much to ask? Well I gues my time has not come, but I wonder when does the universe see fit to send me my soul mate?

Nice Weekend

Had a marvelous weekend! Went to the seaside with two of my friends from work. Brought Abang along, he had a marveloust time frolicking in the sea. Since he's only ten I had to be there with him. This time of the year the water was quite deep and the wave high and strong. So I spent two hours for each of the two days with him in the water.

Shima and Kak Limah gave a surprise belated birthday. We had delicious cake, funny candles for me to blow on, and marvelously interesting presents. Well who said I had a bad birthday this year. Actually I think belated birthday is the best, coz you don't expect it.

Class have started. Met with the students. Laid down my rules and as usual they gasp at my essay fine for being late to class, students hate essays.

Well that's all for now.

Marking Again

I am now in midst of marking again, because I was unlucky enough to teach two institution with different semester system at same workplace, so now I have to face another bunch of final exam, and because I had to juggle so many eggs this semester I had not finish marking the mid semester and assignments. Whilst colleagues around me are in a holiday mood, I am waddling through mess of lazy students papers. God give me strength!

Celebration

I celebrated finishing my crazy busy semester by having a tooth pulled out yesterday. Well that says it for the pain I had to go through this semester. I hope the coming one will be better. And I hope I'll be able to teach better than before.

Praying for calmer days

Well it has been a long time hasn't it. I have been too busy and too crazy to safely write anything. Well can't vouch whether I am saner now but I decided to take a little time off to get words out. I have been losing my temper a lot these couple of weeks and today with the start of Ramadhan I am trying my best to be calm and keep cool. I don't know how long I can stand this kind of stress, it will be a measure of my self control ( I have doubts of how tight a reign i have on it) but so far everything's holding up.

Final exams coming up, as stressful as it is going to be for my students, I think, the stress is going to be as much or more for me. With the exam ending just 4/5 days before Raya, I have no idea how to finish marking all 300 papers, (God give me strength).

That's it for now I guess. Til I find time.

Calmer and Saner

It has been a few days since my last post, and I am calmer and more able to see that things is not as bad as it seemed. Things have been put into perspective, as usual my dear old dad have alot to do with that. I don't know what I will do once I don't have his calm perspective to reel me back into normalcy. Well I hope I don't have to think about that for a while yet.

I intended to write a tribute to my parents but somehow I can't find the words yet, maybe when I have more time. Well till then....

I must be out of my mind

Well, it happen again, the stress has got to me. I am barely holding on to the thread of sanity, and the control I have held over my emotion has snapped. God, I thought I could do this, survive, but the multiple attacks I had had from all front has slowly tire me me down. Even as I am typing this, I know I am not making sense, How I know? Because my controlling self has started making it self heard again trying to make me grasp back the hold on sanity. Oh god! Help! Well I know I'll delete this later when things are back in control, but right now I need to get this out and writing it out is better than hearing it blabbed out to inapropriate people.

Soooooooooo TIRED

I am so tired until I am not able to sleep, that is the ultimate tiredness that when it comes to a point I cannot even catch a rest through a refreshing sleep.

I don't know what I taught my students today. I just simply went through the motion. Drive like an automaton, luckily all the idiots stayed off the road today so I did not have to be alert.

I don't know how long I will last until my body just gives up. Will I survive this short semester?????

Ramblings

I took three days of work, not for a holiday, but to mark the finals comfortably at home. Yup I took of work to work at home. How screwy is that? But as all great plan goes, mine has gone bust. The cause, my darling little sister went and got herself admitted again. So I end up driving back and forth visiting her instead of doing the work I happily brought home.

Well I knew it was kind of not a good time for me to take time off work because there are the papers of my colleague who quit to be marked, but I was already doing one of her paper which have 127 students (and the projects are still waiting to be marked at home actually) so I figure the rest can help with what is left, but I think only one of them is struggling with it, because I just read her blog and she is stressed up. Well I want to say sorry to her for not being there, but I was also stressed up with the one I have with me. The truth was I waited for her to assign me some paper but she didn't so I took the initiative with whatever that I had with me and dealt with that. Well I hope things turn out allright. Well this is what happen when people leave without looking back, other people like her and me have to clean up the mess. Well that's the way life goes I guess.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Haven't been able to go online, so couldn't write in. I have so many things I want to say but even now I am hurrying through some research for work. Had tom post something, so that it is at least updated.

Life and such

I had something to say a few days ago,something occured to me and I promissed my self I'd write on my blog, but guess what I have forgotten whatever it is I wanted to say and now I am simply writing Just so that this blogsite of mine is not neglected. I have written on my other blog a few time that I was able to go online, since now my workplace is still not connected ( have I said we moved to the stadium and no internet connection) I haven't got the chance to go online and post a blog often. Having two blogsite is difficult if you are not connected constantly, coz there are days when I have written one blog I don't have the mood to write anything else.

Well my life is not getting easier, my sis is getting worse and she jumped of the second story window on Sunday, to know more I have written on my other blog site - audriana76.tblog.com - well I hope things will look up.

Farewell

My friend left today. She's off to a better place, I am very glad for her, but as I look at her empty table and bookcase I felt really sad. We barely knew each other in my one semester of masters course with her, but as I came to work here she remembered me when I could barely recall, she guided me in my first few week, and in her I found another true friend. Well I guess I should wish her well, she was just another bright shining star that pass through my long night, and as it goes there were a lot of those but they always pass through to quickly and I am left behind remembering the good times. It is always hard to say goodbye, so I am not goingtto wish her that, I think I will just say Au Revoir.

Ce'st La Vie

There's one thing about my sister being sick or more specifically high that I don't like. I don't mind that she'll have this halucination that she is involve with this satr or another, but what I mind is that she has to pick a man for me too. She will tell me that this so and so is crazy about me. Well I t drives me crazy that my sis thinks that I am so uanable to get someone to love me that even when she is high in her own world she has to remember poor old me and provide me a man.

Well forgive my ranting , I had a horrible visit with my sis on Sunday, on top of a horrible weekend so I am not really right in the head right now. The only bright light in my weekend was my stop to pick up books for this week. I bought a whole lot and I think it'll last the whole of this week. Well I wish things will look up. Well as they Ce'st la vie!

Tears

Last night as I was watching the news, they brought us to Aceh and interviewed this mother who lost 3 out of 4 children. There she was recalling the final moments as her eldest child called out asking for forgiveness before her life was claimed. I couldn't stand it I cried like a baby, even recalling it now tears are falling down my face. I have been known to cry non-stop after watching a sad movie, whereas this wasn't a scripted tv show, this was real. Suffice to say my pillow weren't dry as I went to sleep last night.

I have no child, but I did raise my little brother and I can tell you if anything happen to him I would lose my whole world. So I could imagined how the poor mother is feeling, I think parents everywhere agree that by right they should not outlive their children. Well I don't think I can go on anymore, I am too emotional. Just hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Books and I

I have been reading a lot of books lately. There's this place selling second hand book at affordable prices. So whenever I feel the need I'd splurged on a book ( I say splurge because my usual place rent out second hand book, it is cheaper and I am able to resell it). Well there is also a colleague who's a voracious reader so sometime I borrow a book from her.

Well I borrowed "A Walk to Remember" and had myself a nice cry. It just made me longed for what I don't have at this moment; someone who love me. Well I don't know why I torture myself by reading all this romantic sappy things. It just reminds me that I am unloved. Well not that my family does not love me, they do! But once in awhile I want that someone who hold me not to be related to me.

Well I try to offset my romance reading material with a spy intrigue or a mystery now and then, but still I will gravitate to romance because it sort of feel a need that is not fulfilled any other way. Well someday....

A New Year Begins

Happy new year! Well this is day two of 2005 and my life is still the same. Every year my resolution is to have a better year than the last, and that I wish that everyone will be fine and I don't have to deal with their highs and lows, but this year starts with my sister roaming and waking everybody up. I am so sleepy now I don't know how I function.

Well my dad reminded me that others are suffering more than we are, he reminded me of the recent Tsunami tragedy victims, how they are far worse off than us. Yes I admit my problem is not that big and in the scale of things it is actually a small ripple in life's tapestry, but when youi have been sleepless for 3-4 days you kind of forget that and everything seems so insurmountable and impossible. Well I just hope that this year will get better and I hope that I will get what I have been dreaming and wishing for so long.