My lot in life

I just lost it today. After 4 days of barely sleeping and eating and trying to look after everybody, not to mention trying to block the excruciating pain on my lower back from my mind, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I love my family and I don’t mind looking after them, but sometimes I feel so unappreciated and today actually I feel so unloved. I feel as if, if I die today no one would care as long as their life goes on uninterrupted.

It is so unfair! I’ve given up everything to be the caretaker for the family but when it comes to me, no one seems to give a damn. They only know to blame me or demand better performance so that I could manage their life better.

Everyone else have the right to my attention because they are sick or too young or unable to do it themselves. But when it comes to me I have no right at all for anyone’s consideration coz it seems to me now that I don’t matter.

God, I have accepted my lot a long time ago, but I think this is too much to ask of me. Why can’t they care for me? Nobody loves me. I have no one that I can count on to care for me or to give a damn what happen to me.

I am so lonely.

Ya Allah…………………

Life is ....

God this is beautiful. They say life is a wheel and mine decides it needs to repeat the same thinf again and again. I wish this wheel woul move on or sooner or later I might just give up and say to hell with it.

I can't believe that I am still screwing up. Wht with me and this problem in writing thesis paper. Can't I juts get over what ever's blocking me and write a silly thesis. God other people have done it! Why Can't I?

I wish. God that word. Wish. If it is only that simple. Wish and voila everything happens. But life is never simple eh?

WHY?????????????

I have been to hell and back and still no difference.

I STILL HAVE NOTHING.

I have been lambasted, humiliated and scolded by my supervisor and it just drove me deeper into oblivion.

GOD HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In Search of Sanity

I have no idea what to do with myself. I was ecstatic and so grateful when I received the scholarship and fellowship that allows me to do my Ph.D. But nearly four months have passed and I haven't done a single thing, not my readings, not anything, just going through the motion-going to classes, meeting my supervisor etc- I'm doomed.

As these sentences can attest my mind is in a scramble, not orderly and does not make sense. That's how I feel about life now generally. I have tried all the methods I knew to get me out of this funk, I have made several bookstores rich, I have obssessively read trivial stuff just to clear my head from all it's negative energy, it worked some, basically in helping me control my emotions, but it has not enabled my brain to actually start working seriously. So many things are also happening around me, personal family things, political upheaval that are making me both speechless and vocal (go figure), and the general negative energy that affect me adversely when my mind is in this condition.

I have also been checking out a few blogs, from my favourite authors to local political observers, and all other blogs in between, it shamed me that I have been a bit self-centered and talking about me all the time. People have issues to talk about or if they talk about their life, it is actually interesting, unlike mine. I have issues I want to discuss, so many issues I tell you, but whenever I actually got the chance to write it down I go blank. Typical!

I have also not written any poem for ages, that is how dead my brain is now. God! Help!

Well let see if I can help myself first before calling on BIGGER powers.

Clarity

Someone said silence is deafening.
It sorts of fit now.
In this eery silence of aloneness
I am deafened by

things undone
wishes unfulfilled
dreams unrealised.

When
will
I
hear
again?

yra
03/12/07
6.35 p.m.


Hmm something is wrong. I can't see it now. Maybe time will give me clarity....

Same Old. Same Old

People are always changing and they seem to be better for it. Why is it then I seem to be stuck in the same cycle forever? I thought I have gained some control of myself as I grew, gained confidence, self-respect andl all those stuff. But I am still that scared little girl that have no belief in myself in whatever important event in my life.

I am now fighting the same old demon that haunt me nearly half my life, I thought I got it beaten down years ago. But bang risk a little change in my life, and bang depression and uncertainty are back again. It is not enough that I am surrounded by crisis 24/7, I have to go and add on to that.

I have said it many times I am fortunate to be surrounded by people that love me, but sometimes they just can't help. Sometimes they even are part of the problem. I once wrote a poem about that, but understanding the problem is not enough anymore, I feel I am losing grip too fast too soon now. I am spiralling into madness and there's no one to stop me coz they're all depending on me.

So the same two problem that have haunt me all my life, my insecurities and responsibilities. God!


Well about that poem I wrote, here it is.

Obligations
-----------

i am drowning
in the waters
of responsibility.

i can't breathe,
all these demands
are choking me.

i am suffocating
from the dues
i pay for the
price of love.
Family loves me
but i am slowly
dying by the burden
of their love.

Save me!

Success!

I finally figured out how to log in back to this account, it helps of course that I am in um now and the wireless at the library does not block anything. Just checking in, will blog more later.

ciao.

So long, too long, since i blogged

It has been soooooooooooo long since I've blogged. Time seem to run away from me and before I know it 2007 is here and it seem ages since I opened this site. When I tried the other day it seem my office network has block acces to many sites and this is one of them. And I find that I actually missed tapping out things to just get it off my chest and let God knows who read them. There is so many thingss happenning to me. i got call for an interview last week for a grant to do my PhD and I am applying for a job from my alma matter (no news yet though) and a dear friend and colleague left for greener pasture. Well i hope I will too, I can't stand thinking of the long drive everyday. I have fallen asleep while driving tooo many times too count I think I have put my guardian angel on permanent overtime.

Well as always at the end of the semester I am now scrambling to mark the tooo many assignments I ahve given and to get it done bfore the deluge of final exam papers hit me and I go crazy. I hve already taken advantage of my newly cleared credit card to book for a short holiday, I am looking forward for the time alone. Well that's it for now I guess. Till I find time and space to write again

Birthday part 2

Surprise, surprise. That's what my students and colleagues did toward the end of the working day of my birthday. They came into my class and celebrated my birthday and this makes me realise however I refuse to be happy on my birthday, people around me will insist on reminding me that I am loved and I should just enjoy my life pitfalls and all. I guess that's what made my life worthwhile isn't it, the people I surround myself with. Alhamdulillah.

Birthday part 1

Yes, today is my 30th birthday. I don't know what to say, feel or act. Life is still going at the same old rate, no changes and I don't think I have achieved whatever I set out to achieve years ago. Well it has been like this since my eigteenth birthday, I don't see the point of continuing on and each birthday feels like another prolongement of my incarceration on this earth. I have been trying to boost myself up ever since, telling myself living is not bad and there are others who have worse luck than mine and they are happy that they are alive. But however, I try to be happy I will always end up depress on my birthday. My brother with all his eleven years worth of celebration cannot understand this lethargy of mine, and to tell the truth even I don't understand it myself.

My mantra right now is Hoobastank's "If I were You" trying to remind me to be grateful for whatever I have, it helped me through the darkest part of my mood but I don't think it's going to work for long.I have cried, prayed, and talked to God but I have no one that I could really hash things out 'cause even when I talk to myself it sound so pathetic and ungrateful.

Well I better stop now before I bore myself silly 'bout this.

Same Old Same Old

Another friend got married over the weekend, and another delivered her first child. Milestones in their life I guess, but it seems it will never apply to me.

Mom's birthday tomorrow, bought her presents already. Tomorrow gonna get a her a cake and maybe a bouqet of flowers. She loves roses. That's what I am gonna get her, three different colors of roses representing abang, adik and I.

"If only I could turn back time" ... you know I sometime wish that. There is so many thing I would do over. Well if wishes were horses....

Life

Yesterday I went out with a few friends, and while we were driving to lunch the driver decided to play chicken with the traffic light, I screamed of course, but my other friend laughingly said that she was ready for it and she knew that he was going to brake. Well in jest or fun yes it is ok for this too, just a little excitement, but I know that you can trust yourself to brake but the brake itself cannot be trusted, it could have failed, it happened to me once and it was damn scary, and anyway I have never found it funny to make a game of our lives. Well that's me I guess, life is precious to me and I have never taken it for granted, even when I was at my lowest low killing myself was never an option!

Hi, bye, bye

I haven't blogged here for quite a while. Wasn't anything just to busy to update two blogs. I updated the other one but then never quite manage to get to this one. Well just dropped in to say that it'll be quite a while b4 I blog again coz all the computers at my office have been blocked form internet usage. I don't know why but that means untilo the office is back online I won't be blogging.

Sleepy post

Nothing much to say. Today my students starts their mid-sem exam. So this week instead of teaching I will be busy invigilating. I hate invigilating, if when I was studying exams were horrible well now I think conducting and invigilating exams are worse.

Well a bit sleepy today so brain is a bit slow, cannot think of anything to write. So I guess that's it for today. Til I wake up properly.

Dramatic Raya

Well, yesterday was Aidiladha and we only had enough money for the kuah kacang (peanut gravy) and nasi impit (compacted rice) and the ingredients for rendang but not for the meat or chicken. Abang went out to play and then came home requesting to follow his friend to the surau where there had the Qurban. He came back and very loudly anounced that he is bringing back meat free of charge. He was so happy about it. So with the meat that my lil' bro provided we cooked our rendang and our raya is complete. Alhamdulillah!

I came to work this morning open up my mail, what do you know there was a mail from a uni' friend whom I haven't heard from for such a long time. She told me the news that she now have a boy, nearly a year old, and I am so glad for her. She was among the first of my friends to get married, and she was at one point worried that she is not getting pregnant. When she was going on to UK to pursue her PhD we joke like her parents who had their first and second child in UK, she would follow suit, and she did. Uk has been good to her family.

I guess that's about it for now. Til I have interesting things to write.

Loneliness

I don't know what is going on with me. I can't stop feeling this need to be held. I am so lonely nowadays that I cannot bear face people coz then they'll see this need in my eyes. I know I am where I should be in my life. It doesn't matter that most my friends are married with kids already, I have succesfully raise my 10 year old brother, I have an inkling how it feels to be responsible for someone. But the thing is all this while I have been looking after people, starting from my mom and everyone else around me. Even with my ex I was the nurturer, even though he was 10 years older than me. I just need someone to hold me, care for me, love me! Is that too much to ask? Well I gues my time has not come, but I wonder when does the universe see fit to send me my soul mate?

Nice Weekend

Had a marvelous weekend! Went to the seaside with two of my friends from work. Brought Abang along, he had a marveloust time frolicking in the sea. Since he's only ten I had to be there with him. This time of the year the water was quite deep and the wave high and strong. So I spent two hours for each of the two days with him in the water.

Shima and Kak Limah gave a surprise belated birthday. We had delicious cake, funny candles for me to blow on, and marvelously interesting presents. Well who said I had a bad birthday this year. Actually I think belated birthday is the best, coz you don't expect it.

Class have started. Met with the students. Laid down my rules and as usual they gasp at my essay fine for being late to class, students hate essays.

Well that's all for now.

Marking Again

I am now in midst of marking again, because I was unlucky enough to teach two institution with different semester system at same workplace, so now I have to face another bunch of final exam, and because I had to juggle so many eggs this semester I had not finish marking the mid semester and assignments. Whilst colleagues around me are in a holiday mood, I am waddling through mess of lazy students papers. God give me strength!

Celebration

I celebrated finishing my crazy busy semester by having a tooth pulled out yesterday. Well that says it for the pain I had to go through this semester. I hope the coming one will be better. And I hope I'll be able to teach better than before.

Praying for calmer days

Well it has been a long time hasn't it. I have been too busy and too crazy to safely write anything. Well can't vouch whether I am saner now but I decided to take a little time off to get words out. I have been losing my temper a lot these couple of weeks and today with the start of Ramadhan I am trying my best to be calm and keep cool. I don't know how long I can stand this kind of stress, it will be a measure of my self control ( I have doubts of how tight a reign i have on it) but so far everything's holding up.

Final exams coming up, as stressful as it is going to be for my students, I think, the stress is going to be as much or more for me. With the exam ending just 4/5 days before Raya, I have no idea how to finish marking all 300 papers, (God give me strength).

That's it for now I guess. Til I find time.

Calmer and Saner

It has been a few days since my last post, and I am calmer and more able to see that things is not as bad as it seemed. Things have been put into perspective, as usual my dear old dad have alot to do with that. I don't know what I will do once I don't have his calm perspective to reel me back into normalcy. Well I hope I don't have to think about that for a while yet.

I intended to write a tribute to my parents but somehow I can't find the words yet, maybe when I have more time. Well till then....