Oh God It Hurts!

I wanted to write this to someone, but I don’t think I can. But since I have written it I might as well post it somewhere. GOD FORGIVE ME, get me through this, I need all the strength I can get! I can’t stop crying! Why does it always have to be like this? It hurts…

LETTER TO …

I don’t know whether I should write this. I have made myself a promise not to write you too often. But I don’t know why, whenever I need to talk, I no longer talk to myself, that is what I used to do, talk things out with myself, so to stop splintering myself into split personality, I started to write. It works like a charm, but the trick is I have to write it to someone, so that was why I started my first blog; I started writing for unknown strangers.

But now when my thoughts are all jumbled up I find myself writing only to you. I don’t know what made me feel so comfortable burdening you with all this crazy stuff in my head. I have never ever let anyone in my mind, not even my sister, may be my dad, but there are still things I won’t let him know. In KH analogy I have built up wall and tower to the maximum size and level to protect myself from everyone ever entering my mind or heart. My sister says it made her feel cut off emotionally from me sometimes, this aloof and impervious image I portray to the world. It is so much so that no one can see inside I am still that scared little 9 years old being left in charge of her sick mother.

Did you know I broke with my ex because he complains that at critical moments I become too childish and that I am too much a daddy’s girl? But no one seem to remember that I had to grow up before my time, and that sometime I need to be that little girl just for a while. Coz there is times that I just need to be taken care off instead of taking care of everyone!

You are the first person outside of my family that has witnessed my loss of control over my emotions. I have never ever even hinted this dark side that I hold inside. So for the thousandth time, please forgive my lack of control and for dragging you in my black mood. The amazing thing is that you are the only other person apart from my dad that has successfully snapped me back to reality. No one have ever been able to dragged me back from my hurricane of emotions (as I like to call it) if I am not ready for it, only my father can make me stop me either from wallowing, crying, or even the horrible temper-tantrum I am known for when things goes wrong in my head.

What does this mean? I am so confuse!

UPDATE

Suffice to say I am a yoyo nowadays. There are days I am perfectly happy and there are days I wish I am dead. I have been making friends with a lot of nice people in an online FB game. Some of them have help me got through some of my darkest moment yet. It is funny, that God decides to send me help in this form, my guadian angels now encompass the roam. One friend has turn out to be a really good friend, I am sorry that at one point I nearly dragged him down with my bad mood. I am glad he survived my family-famous temper tantrums (friends you have not seen my worse, the family have, and you don't ever want to see it) and what is more amazing he managed to snapped me out of it, NO ONE, i repeat, NO ONE, apart from Daddy dearest has ever managed to do that. This tells me how important he has become, because I have never let anyone outside of family member, see me at my worse, not only I let him witnessed it, I dragged him along with my ride into madness filled tantrum. I am still embarass, but he seems to be cool about it.

God is this your answer to my prayers? But if it is, it is really ironic and unexpected. You couldn't have made it easier for me too, eh? You know so many things separates us, not only distance, but so many things. But I guess I should be grateful you deem to answer my plea. Alhamdulillah!

Well my life has always been an interesting roller-coaster ride. We'll se where it ends and how I guess. Til then - CIAO!